A week of soul searching, Sophia and (hopefully) sun!

My week long vacation started today...and it started off with a big mouth full of teeth smiling up at me from her crib. The days of sleeping in are no longer important to me. Even when times are tough and I can't see the light at the end, Sophia has a way of lighting up my life each and every time.

As she plays on the floor with the diameter of various toys surrounding her, I cant help but be at peace. This vacation has been needed for quite some time. I don't have big plans, no extensive road trips and flights anywhere. Just time to reflect on the whirlwind of the past 16 months and how it has deeply affected me both positively and negatively. As most of you know, I will be making some changes in the near future. Nothing that was ever forseen or wanted, but change nonetheless. My primary focus is my daughter and ensuring that the change comes as seamless as possible.

While I have learned many things lately, the biggest takeaway is that I cannot change people and I cannot control how they view me as a mother and a basic human being. I have spent so much energy on trying to change the effects of the past, to change their opinion of me, and in the end the reality is bittersweet.

Bittersweet for two reasons...the end of something that once had hopes of being loving and fulfilling has opened up the door to endless possibilities for love and fulfillment in the future. The truth is I know who I am, I know what I have given to the relationships in my life and I also know that I will never allow anyone outside my home to control my happiness ever again.

I am a mother and that is the greatest gift of all. It comes with smiles and tears, grief and celebration, exhaustion and endless energy, but most importantly I am creating a life. Everyday I teach her right from wrong. I instill healthy moral values. I show her what love is and the benefits of its reciprocation. I shower her with unconditional love, support and positive encouragement. It is these efforts and values that I hope will be shared by both Christopher and I as we raise her together, hopefully in a co-parenting environment. Consistency is the key and, while it hasn't always been that way these past 8 months due to extenuating circumstances, that is my hope from this point forward.

So this week begins time to recenter myself, re-establish what I want for the future and begin creating a plan of how to get to next. Like my favorite quote says at the top of the blog, I must think twice...once for myself and once for my daughter. A friend suggested a trip to the coast and I think that just may be what my soul needs. I could take Sophia to Santa Cruz for the first time, take a walk on the beach and go to my favorite, Pizza My Heart in Capitola :)

The future, while unknown, can be terrifying and exciting all at once. It is my wild hope and string desire to make it everything I want it to be for my daughter and then of course for myself.

I will use this blog to keep you updated of our path and of course, Sophia will remain the priority of my entries.

Stay tuned...

Where did 8 months go???

Woke up this morning to see the smiling face of an 8 month old baby....and her teeth! Four top ones and 2 bottom ones to be exact. I get to see the pearly whites each time she smiles. This morning, though, I had to remind myself she was mine. As I fed her and she slept on my chest, I couldnt help but smile and shed a few tears. My baby now takes up my entire abdomen and she will be walking sooner than she crawls. Mostly though, I just can't get over how sweet and loving she is. How did I ever get so lucky? What did we do to deserve such a happy child? Seemed like just yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital. For her 8 month birthday, I bought her a cute pink adirondack chair. It will last for years and she will definitely grow into it. I am thinking about painting "Sophia" on one arm rest and "Grace" on the other. I threw her bikini on and shot a few pics of her.....




I gave her a bath this morning and she can now sit up all on her own and play with her ducks without falling over. She loves her bath time and more importantly her ducks. Next time I will take a pic of her with ALL her ducks :)

The flower clips I made turned out great and put one in her hair today...quite Miss America if I do say so myself...



One more full week of work then...vacation! Nothing extravagant planned, just some quality R&R time with my sweet girl that is much deserved and I cannot wait! Jordan graduates so next weekend will be filled with lots of family and lots of fun!

Candace watched Sophia while I went to my first session with the counselor this morning. Felt good to feel supported and in a safe environment. Can't wait until Christopher and I get to go together on Tuesday night. Trying to stay positive and keep my head held high. Everything will work its way out for the best, and Sophia will get to reap the benefits.

Gotta head to work but I will update some more later!

Much love,

Say a little prayer...

It's National Prayer Day!

In spirit I am asking for all the strength I can muster. There have been many changes lately, all for the best of course, but the road to the best positive outcome for everyone involved has been a rough one. We love all of those who have given us your love and support!

I am on Day 6 of the Master Cleanse but no prayers needed there. I am exceeding my expectations and feel SO good physically. I have already noticed a difference in my skin and body. Deciding if I want to go the full 10 days and skip out on the possibility of a Mother's Day brunch, or just cut it short @ 8.

A Sophia UPDATE:
Sophia's front teeth are IN!!!!! Well the top left and first side left tooth are. We are waiting on the two right ones now. She will have a full mouth of pearly whites before we know it.

Still not crawling, for she has taken a liking to rolling wherever she wants to go. Rolling and reaching. Just like her mama. I didn't crawl until I was almost 11 months old because I could get anything I wanted be creeping and stretching to reach it.

She has so many facial expressions now. So many that remind me of myself, lots of Christopher and even a few that strangely remind me of my grandfather. I took a picture of her that it is a spitting image of his face as a young child and it brings me so much peace to look at it. I miss him and my grandmother so much and I know that if they were still with us they would love her more than life itself, not to mention how proud they would be of me as a mother.

Sophia makes different sounds each day and they all make me smile. It sounded like she was saying "Oooohhh!" earlier this morning. I am cherishing each and every moment I have with her at this stage because it passes so fast.

Still eating lots of fun new solids. Grandma made her pureed pears the other night and more of the applesauce that she loves. We mixed the pear juice in with rice cereal instead of formula and she loved it!

Ideas are starting to flow for Sophia's' 1st birthday. If I don't begin planning it soon, I will run out of time. I can't wait to see everyone...and of course see my sweet girl dig into her first cake :)

Mama definitely needs a mini vacation away from reality but I won't go without her. Missing out on my friends Kate's 30th bash in Cabo but there will be many more fun moments to come in the future. Sophia takes 1st priority in my life right now and I wouldn't have it any other way. A co-worker is putting together a little overnight getaway in Nape filled with pampering treatments and vino. Hopefully Grandma can come with and watch her while Karen and I get some much need retail R&R :)

I am home today recharging the batteries to get me through this Mother's Day weekend @ the store. It's going to be crazy but I love those times the most. I feel like I am actually accomplishing things and overall making my customer's day.

I will make a special Mother's Day post on Sunday, reflecting on all things "mama"! Stay tuned...

Much love,