A week of soul searching, Sophia and (hopefully) sun!

My week long vacation started today...and it started off with a big mouth full of teeth smiling up at me from her crib. The days of sleeping in are no longer important to me. Even when times are tough and I can't see the light at the end, Sophia has a way of lighting up my life each and every time.

As she plays on the floor with the diameter of various toys surrounding her, I cant help but be at peace. This vacation has been needed for quite some time. I don't have big plans, no extensive road trips and flights anywhere. Just time to reflect on the whirlwind of the past 16 months and how it has deeply affected me both positively and negatively. As most of you know, I will be making some changes in the near future. Nothing that was ever forseen or wanted, but change nonetheless. My primary focus is my daughter and ensuring that the change comes as seamless as possible.

While I have learned many things lately, the biggest takeaway is that I cannot change people and I cannot control how they view me as a mother and a basic human being. I have spent so much energy on trying to change the effects of the past, to change their opinion of me, and in the end the reality is bittersweet.

Bittersweet for two reasons...the end of something that once had hopes of being loving and fulfilling has opened up the door to endless possibilities for love and fulfillment in the future. The truth is I know who I am, I know what I have given to the relationships in my life and I also know that I will never allow anyone outside my home to control my happiness ever again.

I am a mother and that is the greatest gift of all. It comes with smiles and tears, grief and celebration, exhaustion and endless energy, but most importantly I am creating a life. Everyday I teach her right from wrong. I instill healthy moral values. I show her what love is and the benefits of its reciprocation. I shower her with unconditional love, support and positive encouragement. It is these efforts and values that I hope will be shared by both Christopher and I as we raise her together, hopefully in a co-parenting environment. Consistency is the key and, while it hasn't always been that way these past 8 months due to extenuating circumstances, that is my hope from this point forward.

So this week begins time to recenter myself, re-establish what I want for the future and begin creating a plan of how to get to next. Like my favorite quote says at the top of the blog, I must think twice...once for myself and once for my daughter. A friend suggested a trip to the coast and I think that just may be what my soul needs. I could take Sophia to Santa Cruz for the first time, take a walk on the beach and go to my favorite, Pizza My Heart in Capitola :)

The future, while unknown, can be terrifying and exciting all at once. It is my wild hope and string desire to make it everything I want it to be for my daughter and then of course for myself.

I will use this blog to keep you updated of our path and of course, Sophia will remain the priority of my entries.

Stay tuned...