Alone in my thoughts

Christopher left this morning for Scottsdale. A lil sad that we're spending five days apart instead of together. Thinking optimistically, it has given me a chance to have one on one time with my daughter. It has also given me time to think in a quiet space.

Today was the least productive day I have had in a while, in fact since maternity leave when she slept most days and was up most nights. With the exception of a trip to Toys R Us, I have spent the day in pjs, on the floor with Sophia. She has changed so much over these past 6 months. Scrolling through the thousands of pics on the hard drive, it amazes me how even the littlest detail has changed. She has a different nose and a whole new heart melting smile. She looks at any and everything now, taking it all in and I often find myself imagining the thoughts that are running like wildfire through her tiny brain. I imagine she loves Lily and the color purple because it calms her each time we enter her room. I imagine that she can't quite understand the appeal of my iPhone but she loves all the colorful icons. I imagine she has the same hopes and dreams as I did as a child. The thrill of taking a bath, the mystery of the swirling world outside from the car window as we run errands around town, the pleasure in the simplest of things.

Tonight is different though. Tonight as I stare at her, I attempt to put into words just how much she has changed my life. As I always have a tendency to do, I relate it to a song and I have found just the one. "She's Got A Way" by Billy Joel. Now I know it is meant as a perspective from a man to a woman. However, every verse holds true with my sweet girl. Here's a lil refresher of some of my favorite lines....

"She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her
She's got a way of pleasin'
I don't know why it is
But there doesn't have to be a reason anywhere"

"She's got a light around her
And ev'rywhere she goes a million
Dreams of love surround her ev'rewhere"

"She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me
She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her any way"

She is simply stunning. Yes beautiful but stunning in the way that she is effortless in lighting up my life everyday. She doesn't even have the mental capacity to know just how much she means to me, yet she never fails to do so. She is the purest symbol of peace, the epitome of joy. I look to her for strength, for unconditional love, for sunshine on a dark day.

So, as tonight winds down and she plays with the many toys on the floor next to me, I begin to wonder if I have or will ever let her down. It's only a natural emotion. A mother's bond to her child is so incredibly strong. With that strength comes an unnerving sense of protection. Life is definitely a journey that has taken me down many paths, her being the biggest path. As many of you who read this blog regularly know, she was not meant to be (ideally). Not right now at least, not during this time in my life.

As I look at her, I can only hope and pray that I will always do right by her. I want to be her voice of reason, but in order to do so I must make wise decisions of my own. My mother set the example for me as a child, and I continue to look up to her for everything she did for my sister and I, in the face of adversity, sacrifice and the unknown.

When you become a parent, life as you know it changes and will never again be the same. Priorities are adjusted. Wants become dissolved and everything else is reduced to essentials. These facts have truly been highlighted over the past few weeks. Every decision I make has an impact on her and tonight those decisions I have made and will make in the future weigh heavy on my mind. I will keep specific thoughts private for now, but tonight has brought much clarity to a very confused mind.

With that, thank God for the outlet otherwise known as the blog. I would also like to thank my incredibly patient family and dear friends that have taken a huge backseat to my daughter since September. You all know who you are and I love you from the bottom of my heart!

Sweet dreams everyone!

Saliva, Squash and Spring!

Wow!!! It's been a while since I've posted something....

So change is finally here! A tree is blossoming gorgeous bright pink blossoms in our backyard, the itch to plant flowers is here and well, Sophia is teething yet again!

Her top teeth will come through anyday...I just know it. She is pushing her WubbaNub up against the top of her mouth with all her might. And the saliva is flowing and flowing! Going through several onesies each day because the thought of her living in a bib is too much for me to handle. And this time change thing may have thrown her off a bit too. She is back to waking 2-3 times in the night. However, I do think its more of a combination of a growth spurt and the close arrival of her top teeth.

She is now 6 months old. Her half birthday was on Sunday night, and keeping in the spirit, my mom got her a 1/2 mini birthday cake (from Baskin Robbins). She got her hands on it and I snapped a few pictures, but when the hands began going towards her mouth, we wiped them clean and indulged in her fun treat for her. Not sure if she liked watching us eat her cake, but it was sure good! Here is a pic of it....




She also had her first solids on Monday! My mom bought organic butternut Squash. We got the Ninja (the one on the infomercial) and it is AMAZING for quickly pureeing veggies for her baby food. She steamed the squash and pureed it and right when I came home for my lunch break, it was ready for me to feed her for the first time. Christopher came home right as I was giving her her first bite. She LOVED it! She has begun this new thing of sticking her tongue out and vibrating it to spit. She has discovered that this little trick produces noise which makes her laugh hysterically. So the butternut squash came out more than it went in, but she had no problem grabbing the spoon and feeding herself. She ate all of it and even had seconds. Next will be the throwing of the bowls of food. Thank God for suction cup bottoms :)

Yesterday was her first St Patricks Day....wanted to dye her breastmilk green but that fun will have to wait til next year! Got her the cutest outfit to wear. Chris was going to pick us up some corned beef from the Banshee but they were sold out so ironically I settled for their amazing fish tacos and he had their Philly. Quite the opposite of the Irish tradition, but our little shamrock sure looked cute...



So the sun is shining...73 degrees today! Such a blessing because I am so over winter and cold. Sophia is sleeping but as soon as she wakes I am going to bring her swing out in the sunshine so I can wash my car and get my home ready with some spring cleaning.

Lydia (Christopher's mom) is coming into town tonight as well as Richie (his brother). They will both be meeting Sophia for the first time so we're looking forward to some fun this weekend. I have to work Sat and Sun but Christopher will have some great quality time with his mom and brother. The weather should be nice so maybe I can take them to Bidwell Park tomorrow on my day off or to downtown Chico.

I have also begun sprucing up these empty walls in our house. Found an awesome piece @ Bed Bath and Beyond to put in our entry by our hallway and family room. I also ordered a large black 8 piece "Live Laugh Love" frame collage to go above the couch. I have taken a tremendous amount of pictures of Sophia and they are just waiting in the hard drive to be displayed on the walls. Our house is finally beginning to feel like a home, throwing out that "freshly moved in" look.

Alright time to throw on the Cinderella shoes so I can have some peace and quiet time with my sweet Gracie before the house becomes full :)

Much love,